I will likely post regularly again. Being a mother of two has been fun, overwhelming and, at times, sad. Being an adoptive mother of two has been eye-opening. My experience with our second adoption is very different from our first. Different process, feelings, result. Different. Guess I’m different too.

We adopted our daughter almost two years ago. We have an open relationship with her birth family. After seeing the dynamic between my daughter and her birth family I knew I needed to educate myself on what my 2 year old might be feeling since she did not have the ability to articulate her feelings. This was the impetus to joining this book club.

Primal Wound was a difficult read. It challenged many of my beliefs. At times, the book made me angry. It often made me sad, but in the end, I believe it made me a better mom.

Below, I’ve answered 3 Primal Wound Book Club questions.

1. To those who have adopted or are planning or hoping to adopt, does this change how you feel about adoption and how you would or will deal with things in the future?
During our homestudy, our social worker asked me if I was prepared to share my daughter with her birth mother. I said yes, but felt less than positive about it. The only person I wanted to share my daughter with was my husband. I told myself that I wasn’t “sharing” my daughter with her birth mother. I chalked it up to the social worker poor choice of words. Primal Wound and my interactions with my daughter’s birth family have shown me that I am, indeed, sharing her. This awareness was depressing until the author likened it to loving 2 children. Parents can love 2 children equally and fully. Similarly, children can love 2 mothers equally and fully. Suddenly, it became okay that I was sharing Little Lassie. I now look at adoption very differently. I know my relationship as my daughter’s mother is not diminished because of her relationship with her birth mother. I no longer fear losing my daughter to her birth mother and that has been an immense weight off my shoulders.

2. Could you accept long-term legal guardianship of a child instead of adoption? How would such a status change your relationship with your child?
No, I would not consider long-term legal guardianship of my child instead of adoption. Personally, in order to feel like a parent, to claim my daughter, I need the permanence of adoption. For me, parenthood requires a hundred percent commitment. Guardianship feels like a lesser degree of parenthood. I could not make the commitment to parenthood without the permanence of adoption. Honestly, this question leaves me wondering if I’m being selfish by rejecting long-term guardianship. If it were proven better for the child, I would consider it, but I am not sure it would be best for the child. I believe a child may not feel like a true member of a family with guardianship. It seems to put the child in limbo, without the ability to claim a family.

3. Adoption seems to be in the news, from movie stars to the President to a solution for abortion. Has this helped or hurt the awareness of adoption challenges as discussed in Primal Wound?
I believe the adoption challenges discussed in Primal Wound are difficult for society to accept. The so-called fairy tale ending of “adoption instead of abortion” distracts us from the reality of grief associated with adoption. Having said this, I believe many things distract us from the negative side of adoption because most people don’t want to admit adoptive situations usually include great pain for all members of the triad, especially the adoptee. I see adoption as an evolving entity. Those of us touched by adoption bear the responsibility of educating others about the reality of adoptive relationships. This book tour is an excellent example of education in action.

Thank you for being a part of the discussion.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

I found a blog a few years back called Not Mother written by Poor_Statue. It was my first time hearing an “un-sugar coated” birthmother experience. We had not adopted Little Lassie yet and I was moved by Poor_Statue’s raw writing style. Frankly, I read Not Mother with one eye closed holding my laptop at arms length because Poor_Statue’s pain is palpable through the computer. In the beginning, I couldn’t read Not Mother consistently. It can be a heavy read. For me, Not Mother is a blog that I need to prepare myself for because the message is important. Reading it on the fly while Little Lassie tugged at my sleeve does not allow me the time to digest and process Poor_Statue’s posts.

I’ve learned many things from Not Mother. Most of all, I’ve learned that Little Lassie’s birthmother probably has a myriad of feelings I can’t imagine. When I find myself sitting in judgement of LL’s birthmother, (an ugly, but natural side of human nature) I remember Poor_Statue and find a kind of peace that birthmothers and adoptive mothers aren’t so different. I identify with Poor_Statue. We are opposite sides of the same coin and just like a coin toss, I could have easily ended up on her side as a birthmother.

Sometimes, my feathers get ruffled when I read Not Mother. I don’t always like to hear the truth when it clashes with my beliefs, but I continue to read, because I need to know the truth, especially when it clashes with my beliefs. In my opinion, reading a birthmother’s perspective is not only important, it is necessary. I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and pretend our adoption of LL did not bring pain to some lives. While it brought great joy and love to our home, adoption is painful for all members of the triad at one time or another. I am a more compassionate mother because of Poor_Statue. I am grateful to her.

(My password protected posts regarding open adoption are meant to protect the privacy of those involved in our adoption. I welcome the wisdom others, please email me for a password.)

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