I recently participated in the AdoptLit Book Tour: Found a Memoir by Jennifer Lauck. Ms. Lauck is a courageous, honest writer who peels away layers of herself and shares them with her reader. By generously sharing her experiences, Ms.Lauck gives me insight into what may be down the road for my own family. The level of raw honesty in this book made it difficult for me to read and many of the author’s thoughts challenged my thoughts on adoption. My own journey with adoption began 4 years ago when we adopted our daughter. She was one at the time and is now 5. Our son is 2 years old and joined our family at 5 months. At the beginning of the adoptions, we intended to maintain open relationships with our children’s birth families, but that has proven difficult. We love our children, we respect their family of origin and in the future hope to create a balanced relationship that suits the needs of our children.
Given my role as an adoptive mother, Jennifer Lauck’s experiences scare me. They makes me worry that my daughter has pain that I, as her mother, cannot heal. Worse, it makes me feel guilty that the best day of my life, (when my daughter joined our family) could be the worst day of her life. I needed to read Found and I’m glad I did. I need to face my fears in the hopes that I can prepare myself to support my children as they forge their own path in life.
As part of the book tour I have answered 3 questions below from other tour participants.
1.What part of Ms. Lauck’s adoption journey challenged your idea of adoption the most?
Answer: I am rethinking my ideas of what a child endures when taken from their birth mother because I was most challenged by Ms. Lauck’s concept that, “A baby must endure biological and mental torture. She experiences terror, goes into shock (due to the abandonment), and loses consciousness-again and again.” Without citations, I find it difficult to believe this is the experience of a baby taken away from their mother at birth. I know it is an extreme emotional situation when a child is taken from their first mother, be it at birth or later in life, but I have never considered it mental or emotional torture. I do think a child is terrified, yet how can we know the degree of terror a child might endure if not placed for adoption.
For instance, my daughter’s birth parents considered placing her at birth, but did not do it. Instead, they tried to raise her and found it impossible. After much hardship and constant crisis, they placed her in our home when she was a year old. It is possible that the things my daughter experienced in her first year of life were far worse than the terror she would have experienced if placed at birth. I don’t believe it is prudent to make sweeping statements about mental and emotional torture of infants who are placed for adoption.
2. In reading this book, I, an adoptive mother, was struck by how less than ideal Jennifer’s childhood was. My instinct is to blame the death of her adoptive parents and the subsequent bouncing around, abuses, etc that she suffered, for her trauma and feelings of abandonment as opposed to looking to the fact that she was adopted. Obviously I have a vested interest in this perception and I am acutely aware of this and that I need to force my mind to stay open to see the entire picture. I wonder what others think…am I alone in trying to downplay the adoption issue? Is her experience magnified because of her repeated experiences of trauma/abandonment or are her feelings fairly typical of adult adoptees?
Answer: I believe that most adoptees at some point experience feelings of abandonment. While adoption is a turning point in a child’s life, it does not have to be a negative turning point. With a loving and supportive family, I think a child can overcome feelings of abandonment and gain a sense of security. In Jennifer’s case, she did not have a loving and supportive family, so perhaps her feelings of abandonment were exacerbated by her unfortunate childhood. Blaming adoption seems like an unusually simple answer to a complex problem.
3. Jennifer writes a lot about the first moms biological bond with her child. She writes of this bond as primal, almost as if adoptive moms will never be able to completely bond with their children, and I wonder what advice she would give to adoptive parents, particularly, women who want to be honest with their children about their birth stories and those who may even have functional open adoptions where every member of the triad respects the other.
Answer: I do believe there is a primal bond between a first mother and a child. I also believe there is a bond that is just as strong between an adoptive mother and her child. If a primal bond is strong because it is primal, perhaps an adoptive bond is strong because it is adopted or created out of necessity. This is the foundation of my belief about the bond I have with my children. I find that when I honor my bond with my daughter and the bond she has with her birth mother, I am more able to accept the feelings between my daughter and her birth mother, thus I am able to have honest conversations regarding my daughter’s origins.
As my daughter matures, my plan is to simply give her the space to be and feel whatever she needs in the moment. We have told our children their adoption stories with accuracy and compassion. We strive to stick to the facts and let the children direct the emotional aspects of the conversation.
If you are interested in reading more about Jennifer Lauck’s experiences as an adoptee, you can find Found a Memoir by Jennifer Lauck here.
To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.
