Negative, Negative, Negative, Negative.
Maybe if I say it, write it, think it enough, it will desensitize me to the word. Negative.

It was the one test I really didn’t want to fail.
Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.
Got to get used to that word again, too. Fail.

I think I did a pretty good job of holding it together all day. I kept my phone off and got the news on the ride home.

What to do now? My mind is both racing and stagnant. There is so much I want to write, but I can’t think right now. I need to assimilate this information into my life. I still find it unbelievable.

When I find myself in devastating situations like this, my survival tactic is to wait out the storm. Time is usually the only thing that eases the pain. So, for now, I breathe. And wait.

I will check back in tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll have a new perspective.

Pregnancy test set for tomorrow morning at 7:30. I should get the results by early afternoon. I’m debating about letting it go to voicemail or answering the call at work. Chances are, I’ll be devastated and need a moment to regroup.

I hope I can wait until I’m off work to listen to the message. Wait a minute. Who am I kidding? I’ll have that phone glued to my clammy little palm ALL DAY, as I constantly check the signal strength and battery level. Oh, how I wish I were stronger. It would be so nice to fall apart in private. I’m clearly my own worst enemy.

So, this is my last post as a potentially pregnant lady. I feel I should warn you now, things may get pretty dark from here on out. I feel a storm a brewin’.

To all of you that think I should be more positive, let me put your minds at ease. Between the acupuncture, visualizations, prayers and healthy diet, trust me, I’ve got the positive vibe covered.

I simply feel the need to be outwardly vocal about my negativity because the hope that fills every cell in my body is almost excruciating. Anyone pursuing infertility treatments will tell you that, no matter the circumstances, we always hope (and kind of believe) this cycle is THE ONE. I must speak my negativity to balance out the hysteria bubbling in my brain.

I don’t want to end this post. I don’t want to eat dinner. I don’t want to get in my pajamas. I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I want time to stand still. Because today, I’m potentially pregnant. So close to being in that exclusive, elusive club of motherhood. Tomorrow, I’ll be back in the barren barracks. The dismal, smelly, infertility sweatshops are calling me back. But, oh, I’ve enjoyed my time in the sun, pretending I’m mother material. I’ve got to say it’s been a nice ride and I hope to be back here soon.

Signing off.

Went to church yesterday and was able to genuinely smile. The people there were very supportive. Most don’t know any details, only that I was conspicuously absent last week. When they asked DH where I was he said, “she’s not sick, just not getting out of bed.” Hmmm, guess I won’t be using him as a lifeline if I’m ever on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Apparently, he can’t think under pressure.

I went to work in a good mood today. I feel like I’m prepared for whatever Wednesday’s blood test brings. I’ll probably be knocked for a loop for a day or two, but I’m looking forward to a few needle-free weeks.

This afternoon, while at work, I got horrible cramps, absolutely wicked, awful pain. They made me light-headed, took my breath away and made me nauseous. The cramps came every ten minutes and walking around was the only way I could work through them.

It is 13 days past ovulation and today my home pregnancy test was negative. I’m okay, really. I don’t promise to be okay tomorrow, but I think I will be. I’m taking it one day at a time, later this week, I may be taking it one hour at a time, but for now, I’m at peace (and hopefully so is my little 4-cell embryo, wherever he may be.)