It is my nature to confront my fears. This is the reason I took target shooting as my physical education credit in college. Before the class, I was afraid of guns. Now, I’m a competent gun handler (and pretty good shot when aiming at old toasters on logs in the Virginia countryside.) This need to confront my fear is also the reason I joined the Primal Wound book club. I was afraid of the book. I heard about Primal Wound a few years back and my stomach lurched at the notion that my child could/would have a pain or longing for their birth mother no matter how good of an adoptive mother I was. I knew I needed to read the book- someday. I put it off as long as I could.

We adopted our daughter almost two years ago. We have an open relationship with her birth family. After seeing the dynamic between my daughter and her birth family I knew I needed to educate myself on what my 2 year old might be feeling since she did not have the ability to articulate her feelings. This was the impetus to joining this book club.

Primal Wound was a difficult read. It challenged many of my beliefs. At times, the book made me angry. It often made me sad, but in the end, I believe it made me a better mom.

Below, I’ve answered 3 Primal Wound Book Club questions.

1. To those who have adopted or are planning or hoping to adopt, does this change how you feel about adoption and how you would or will deal with things in the future?
During our homestudy, our social worker asked me if I was prepared to share my daughter with her birth mother. I said yes, but felt less than positive about it. The only person I wanted to share my daughter with was my husband. I told myself that I wasn’t “sharing” my daughter with her birth mother. I chalked it up to the social worker poor choice of words. Primal Wound and my interactions with my daughter’s birth family have shown me that I am, indeed, sharing her. This awareness was depressing until the author likened it to loving 2 children. Parents can love 2 children equally and fully. Similarly, children can love 2 mothers equally and fully. Suddenly, it became okay that I was sharing Little Lassie. I now look at adoption very differently. I know my relationship as my daughter’s mother is not diminished because of her relationship with her birth mother. I no longer fear losing my daughter to her birth mother and that has been an immense weight off my shoulders.

2. Could you accept long-term legal guardianship of a child instead of adoption? How would such a status change your relationship with your child?
No, I would not consider long-term legal guardianship of my child instead of adoption. Personally, in order to feel like a parent, to claim my daughter, I need the permanence of adoption. For me, parenthood requires a hundred percent commitment. Guardianship feels like a lesser degree of parenthood. I could not make the commitment to parenthood without the permanence of adoption. Honestly, this question leaves me wondering if I’m being selfish by rejecting long-term guardianship. If it were proven better for the child, I would consider it, but I am not sure it would be best for the child. I believe a child may not feel like a true member of a family with guardianship. It seems to put the child in limbo, without the ability to claim a family.

3. Adoption seems to be in the news, from movie stars to the President to a solution for abortion. Has this helped or hurt the awareness of adoption challenges as discussed in Primal Wound?
I believe the adoption challenges discussed in Primal Wound are difficult for society to accept. The so-called fairy tale ending of “adoption instead of abortion” distracts us from the reality of grief associated with adoption. Having said this, I believe many things distract us from the negative side of adoption because most people don’t want to admit adoptive situations usually include great pain for all members of the triad, especially the adoptee. I see adoption as an evolving entity. Those of us touched by adoption bear the responsibility of educating others about the reality of adoptive relationships. This book tour is an excellent example of education in action.

Thank you for being a part of the discussion.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.