The newest topic for our Open Adoption Round Table is about sharing a blog or writer who has influenced our real life open adoption.

I found a blog a few years back called Not Mother written by Poor_Statue. It was my first time hearing an “un-sugar coated” birthmother experience. We had not adopted Little Lassie yet and I was moved by Poor_Statue’s raw writing style. Frankly, I read Not Mother with one eye closed holding my laptop at arms length because Poor_Statue’s pain is palpable through the computer. In the beginning, I couldn’t read Not Mother consistently. It can be a heavy read. For me, Not Mother is a blog that I need to prepare myself for because the message is important. Reading it on the fly while Little Lassie tugged at my sleeve does not allow me the time to digest and process Poor_Statue’s posts.

I’ve learned many things from Not Mother. Most of all, I’ve learned that Little Lassie’s birthmother probably has a myriad of feelings I can’t imagine. When I find myself sitting in judgement of LL’s birthmother, (an ugly, but natural side of human nature) I remember Poor_Statue and find a kind of peace that birthmothers and adoptive mothers aren’t so different. I identify with Poor_Statue. We are opposite sides of the same coin and just like a coin toss, I could have easily ended up on her side as a birthmother.

Sometimes, my feathers get ruffled when I read Not Mother. I don’t always like to hear the truth when it clashes with my beliefs, but I continue to read, because I need to know the truth, especially when it clashes with my beliefs. In my opinion, reading a birthmother’s perspective is not only important, it is necessary. I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and pretend our adoption of LL did not bring pain to some lives. While it brought great joy and love to our home, adoption is painful for all members of the triad at one time or another. I am a more compassionate mother because of Poor_Statue. I am grateful to her.

(My password protected posts regarding open adoption are meant to protect the privacy of those involved in our adoption. I welcome the wisdom others, please email me for a password.)