I’m back, beginning to rise from the cocoon of disappointment that has insulated me since Friday. I can’t think of anything except how guilty I feel for hurting my embryos. I feel like I killed them. Weird, morbid, dramatic, I know. I imagine my current mood is a combination of rising estrogen, progesterone withdrawal, exhaustion and plain old self-pity. Not an attractive combination, I assure you. Reality is, the embryo’s chromosomes could have been abnormal thus resulting in their demise. Unfortunately, another likely explanation is, my body attacked the embryos because my immune system is in overdrive as evidenced by endometriosis and various other symptoms. At the end of the day though, when I’m lying in bed at night, I can’t help thinking that I did it, I expelled the poor things instead of welcoming them. Can’t get the thought out of my head.

I’m losing faith, feeling like I should stop the madness. I’m beginning to succumb to the finality of infertility. I actually considered what life would be like living childfree. In the world of infertility there are categories of resolution. We have (a) success, (b) success by other means (donor egg/sperm, surrogacy, adoption) and (c) childfree. I’d love success, am considering success by other means and until now simply banished the thought of living childfree. I never thought I’d feel living childfree would be less painful than infertility, until today. Today, on the way to work, I thought- I could live childfree. We’d travel, have a nice house maybe even a summer beach place. I surprised myself. I was happy picturing life without children. It felt luxurious. I’ve heard some people say that it’s time to stop pursuing infertility treatment when the pain becomes worse than the need/want for a child. We’re getting close to that line folks. Hopefully the break I take this summer will lure me back to the warm fuzzies of family planning. Right now, all I can think of is- I better not get pregnant. God will soon lose patience with a woman who coaxes embryos into this world only to reject them before they get a foothold.

Possibly as a penance, my period this month is horrible. I’m passing clots so large you’d think my ovaries just gave up and fell out. The good news is, I’m finally able to take Excedrin Migraine again. Oh, how I’ve missed my lovely white pills that take away the pain. I’ve also been indulging in caffeine every day. Yes, I said every day. If I’m going to be miserable, I’d rather have the energy to be a proper miserable person- honking at inconsiderate drivers, glaring at people who cut in line at the store, a gal needs energy for that. That’s right ladies, you don’t want to meet me in a dark alley these days. I’m a long way from cuddly.